Hello May

I keep thinking about posting something, but I talk myself out of it.

Trannys Welcome

I was riding around on my extra cool, semi-rusting bicycle today and noticed that a neighbor a few blocks away (we're all neighbors here) had a new sign posted in the front yard. Here is my artistic rendering of the sign:


It was stuck right in the middle of the yard as if it were a for sale sign.

Now, I hate queer folk about as much as the next guy, but, in a town this small with so few fish in the sea, I don't understand why we can't cut the child molestors some slack.

I've Made a Huge Mistake Part: I've Lost Count

I almost made it three weeks before fully grasping how terrible my current situation is. This is quite a tight spot I've gotten myself into. I'll never have any self-worth if I don't pull out of this one. I probably need to tell my dad to fuck off at some point, too.

Oh, well. I think I knew what I was getting into. The lows are just going to be really low.

This is Terrible

This is terrible. What an awful sub-headline. This poor girl's family. I don't like this stuff, but I can't stop watching it and reading about it.

This, That, the Other, the Other Other

I have a painful sunburn. How stupid is that? My neck is literally red. How appropriate.

On Sunday my brother-in-law's mom called me up and asked if I would help her do something in her yard. I didn't really want to, but, so as to be polite, I agreed. I went over there and slowly started to realize that I had a lot of work to do. It really sucked for a while. I wore 6 holes in a brand new set of work gloves. I started looking at removing those "shitting yukkas" (not the entirety of the job, but the crescendo, if you will) as a personal challenge and, when I finished destroying easily 200 pounds worth of those pieces of shit and their motherfucking evil roots that were digustingly entangled, I felt fairly pleased with myself. I laid some fresh soil today and seeded the battlegrounds and was all done. Did I mention that my sunburn has glove lines? Ugh.

Dirtnap had a special gold pressing of The Ergs' new album on sale yesterday and part of today and, as much as I wanted that gold vinyl, I was too scared to order it. I've never ordered an LP before and I'm super convinced that it will get destroyed in the mail. I really want The Copyrights' Mutiny Pop splattered vinyl, too, but I'm scared. Someone please convince me that if I order a record it will not be destroyed in the mail.

I'm in a new band with Crystal called Weird Taint Angle. Most likely, we will ultimately fail at, you know... making music. I think we might slowly try for a little while. I don't know. Crystal is a loose cannon. She's already quit the band once.

Also, I'm doing a terrible solo project where I sing songs about how much I hate where I currently live and how much I'm looking forward to leaving. When in solo-mode I am referring to myself as Little David Junior because, uh... I dunno. It sounds folky/bluesy and I think that's funny. Also, my family has called me Little David, L.D., David Jr. my entire life (my sister preferred calling me Learning Disabled) so it seems appropriate. I probably won't follow through on making that album I claim I'm making, either. Anyway, there are some very demo-y demos that are supposed to be on that album and a cover of the Growing Pains theme song on Little David Junior's Myspace page.

I was very uncomfortable watching that big get together thing they had at Virginia Tech today. Actually, it was just the speech at the end that the famous author alum (I have no idea who she was) gave where she kept shouting, "We are Virginia Tech!" and everyone started chanting this football chant. It sounded like a football game. A chant of school pride that basically exists to promote the school just didn't seem very appropriate in regard to a mass murder. You get a big crowd together on a college campus, though, and that's what happens, I guess.

Did anyone see the interview with the killer's roommates? That kid is the hat seemed like a prick. What the fuck are you smiling about, buddy?

Double-A Fuck-Me-in-the-Ass Ball

- Don Imus should be fired, but so should Howard Stern, Opie & Anthony, Ron & Fez and the like.

- Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are human garbage. If Malcolm X were alive today he would slap the shit out of both of them and then he'd take Jesse to the bank to help him open his first checking account.

- Friday Night Lights is a fun show. I was embarrassed for liking it at first, but now it's just good. They play Daniel Johnston songs on it!

- Lost is getting all sorts of good up in this muthafucka. Helicopters next week? It certainly looks that way. What is Juliet up to? It dawned on me tonight that the last season of the show could be about all the characters back in the real world getting their lives together. That. Would. Be. So. Good.

- I hate the St. Louis Cardinals. Why? Because their motherfucking DOUBLE-A TEAM is pre-empting The Office and 30 Rock tomorrow night! Fuck that. Fuck the Cardinals, I never really liked them much to begin with. God, that pisses me off.

- I only know about TV.

- I wrote another song today for my solo album. I copied a Jawbreaker song.

- I saw Elvis Costello on Austin City Limits tonight. He inspired me to write my next song about hating Lebanon from the viewpoint of a cow.

- 30 Rock is the best show on TV. You know that, right? They just showed a clip of tomorrow's show on Conan (Tina Fey is on) and it's Liz pretending to be all sexy in her pajamas! AND I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL IT'S OVER AND WATCH IT ONLINE! JMJREANGER@QHEJ$^%REVENGEJJ$E%RAGEW66uj^TEHATEJ$%UJ^DFHERFUCK!

Thank God Your Here!

I went to church yesterday at 8:00 in the morning. I kept a keen eye out for people I didn't want to be forced to talk to, so I managed to avoid any awkward conversations. The only person roughly my age that I even noticed was this Brad kid who was a year older than me and basically threatened to kick my ass everyday in tenth grade. He would randomly shove me in the back and bump into me when we passed in the halls and other such things. Then he got a girlfriend who I was sort of friends with, too, so anytime he saw me after that he'd always be with this girl and instead of shoving me against the wall he would point and laugh and tell me I was scared of him and his girlfriend would always do say something like, "Brad, stop being such a jerk!" and act all mad, then I'm sure they would skip lunch and fuck in his hot rod or some shit. This happened with another guy who picked on me. Playing basketball, I tried to drive around him and he leg swept me and kicked me in the balls when I was on the ground. I remember laying on the ground in pain and seeing him laughing about it to his girlfriend and she gave him a mean look in my defense. That was nice of her.

So, at church, there's the new hot shit preacher guy. He's only 32. He's got a major Ted Haggard vibe going for him. Apparently he did a back flip during the service a few weeks ago? He was putting on a show for everyone with his yelling and sweating and so forth and then the lights suddenly went off. Illegally edited scenes from The Passion of the Christ were projected onto two 10' x 10' screens behind him. Jesus was getting the hell whipped out of him and it was very disturbing to watch. Hot Shit was narrating the scenes very graphically. The two eight-year-old girls sitting in front me were visibly disturbed, as I have to assume all the other children who just wanted to go home and eat candy from their Easter baskets were. As I watched the nails pounded into Jesus's palms I realized that, even for me, it was far too early for graphic violence. I wished Mel Gibson would bust through one of the huge stained-glass windows on a dirtbike with a lawyer on the back ready to sue everybody. I also wondered if I could sue the church for showing a rated R movie to children, but thought that might be hard since most of them were with their parents. I would have to talk to as many parents as I could and gather their thoughts on the controversy as soon as the service was over and I really didn't want to talk to anybody. I was also very hungry and did not want to have to postpone any chance I had to eat. I wondered if it would be strange for a single, childless loser such as myself to mount such a lawsuit, anyway. Before I had a chance to conclude whether or not it would even be possible (I tend to think not), I noticed that everyone had their heads bowed and someone was praying and when that was over we all got to leave.

I ruined Easter dinner by breaking a bottle of peppermint extract on the floor right when everyone was sitting down to eat. So, while everyone ate, I picked up broken glass and tried to calm the pungent odor. Everyone made snide remarks about how the deviled eggs had a hint of peppermint they weren't expecting, etc...

I've done pretty well with my sit ups and push ups. My chest is no longer small and humble so you don't confuse my pecks with mountains, they are hard and powerful. Sort of. Not really. The push ups have made more of a difference than the sit ups. You would think I would just go out and jog in an attempt to be less fat but that still doesn't appeal to me. I am planning on fixing my bike today, though, so maybe that will help with the cardiovascular side of things. If I, you know... ride it. I'm going to have to ride it when attempting to get a job this week, actually.

My sister got me this poster for my birthday:



It's all framed and stuff. It's exactly what I asked for, too, so that's pleasing. My birthday was two months ago, but I just got it now, but it doesn't matter because I don't have anywhere to hang it, anyway. Actually, I just noticed that this is not the same poster I have. It's pretty similar, but mine is much cooler. The picture part is much bigger and it says, "shane... Shane... SHANE!!!" sort of in a stair step type fashion. Not that you care or will ever even see it, anyway, but I really like it.

There have been several turkeys hanging out in the backyard lately, and they're not even of the jive persuasion. Real turkeys. I tried to take a picture of them but the camera batteries were dead. I'm going to get a picture of those turkeys at some point, though, and when I do, I'm going to show you the pics. You won't know what to do.

I've gathered that I have to mow the yard now instead of work on my bike. Mowing the yard doesn't sound like much fun, but really... what do I care? Is there a single reason I shouldn't mow the yard? I can't think of any. I don't have anything else to do other than work on my bike or get back to reading Mike Wallace's memoirs, both things I can easily do later. Fuck, I'm actually looking forward to watching the premiere of "Thank God You're Here" on NBC tonight, a show that looks so horrendous I'm surprised they didn't just go ahead and misspell "You're" to accentuate the terrible. That's how boring my life is.

Women are Dumb

Today I went to Great Clips to get my haircut (Snip n' Clip went out of business!). There were only two girls in there working, looking bored. One of them asked the other if Hillary Clinton was running for President. I helped confirm that, yes, indeed she is. She then went on to tell the other girl that there's no way she can win because she's a woman and women are too emotional and sensitive to do the job. It's a man's job, she said, because they're better at working things out and that a woman would just mess everything up. Then Rascal Flatts played on the radio. The song right after that on the same station was by The Gin Blossoms.

Random Goings On

Well, here I am.

Tonight I made cupcakes. I ate four of them. That's too many. The three I had planned on eating were too many, but then I ate a fourth because it wouldn't fit in the container. I was going to take a picture of said cupcakes but thought it would be pretty embarrassing to be caught by my dad using his camera to take a picture of the cupcakes I'd just made.

I'm fighting every urge I have to get comfortable here. I'm not sure why. Probably because I don't want to be here. I'm not even keeping my toothbrush in the bathroom. I like it this way. I hope I don't lighten up.

I had to paint the deck yesterday. I didn't mind. I have to do that kind of thing when I'm asked as part of some agreement I apparently made. I sort of liked painting the deck, though. I have to do another coat in the morning. Hell, I might mow the yard when I'm done. I'm all domesticated and shit.

I've played guitar more in the past three days than I probably have in the past six months. I've liked that. Not having a television in my room has been nice. I've been playing guitar, listening to music, writing songs, reading books. It's been fairly pleasant, really. Of course, I had a box full of books I planned to read over the next few months and my dad put it in a storage unit without asking me about it. So I'm reading his books. I read Anderson Cooper's Dispatches From the Edge and enjoyed it. He's sort of a pretty boy rich kid and all, but he seems kind of miserable. I think I like miserable people. There's an Andy Rooney book laying around here somewhere, though and I'm not going to read that garbage. I'm still mad at him for what he said about Kurt Cobain in 1994. I was very offended at the time. Heh.

I decided that I'm going to write and record an album over the course of the next few months. It will be about how much I hate this town. I will be ripping early Daniel Johnston very hard. I've written five songs so far, three of which I like, and I've demoed those three on a tape recorded. I'd love to record the entire thing on there, but it sounds too terrible and I have no idea how to get that onto a computer. In fact, even if I borrow/ebay a 4-track like I've been thinking I don't know how to get that on a computer, either. I'll figure it out, though. It will be a cd-r, probably in a slim case with some boring artwork. It will be completely solo and very lo-fi and I hope for it to have at least 15 songs on it, hopefully more like 20. I think I'll probably try to sell it for 5 bucks or less just to see if I can and maybe make back the 20 bucks or so I'll probably invest in it. Maybe I'll even try to do a show in Columbia in the summer. Normally this would sound like a bunch of mumbo jumbo that I'll never follow through on, but I seriously have nothing else to do, so why not?

I'm keeping track of my daily push-ups, sit-ups, and masturbation. I'm trying to do lots of the first two, none of the latter. So far, so good. Some might say that something like this sounds like the beginning stages of losing your mind. I might agree.

I feel really shitty from all those cupcakes.

S&M Lincoln is the best Conan character since Pimpbot. He just hangs out in the hall!