Hot Turkey

I left a sealed container of shaved turkey on the floor board of my mom's sweet PT Cruiser last night. Yeah, yeah - I know getting it from the deli is far better but I don't allow myself to go to Wal-Mart during deli hours. Too much risk. So I deal with the pre-packaged shaved turkey. One of these deals, right?



Except that one doesn't appear to be fully packaged for aesthetic value. It's sealed up tight in a plastic bag and then the bag is sealed up tight in a plastic container.

I think you know where I'm going with this - can I still eat this turkey? I've still got some deli turkey to last a few days but I don't want to have to go back to the store later this week. Will I die if I eat it? Am I disgusting if I eat it? Does anyone who reads this blog even eat meat? Gail? You're the person who reads this blog. Will this turkey kill me? Is death what I deserve for eating a turkey that most likely didn't die naturally? And how about that Jared Allen? And why do I feel like I'm always spelling your name wrong?

Oh, turkey... And Gail(sic?)...

The Shape of David to Come

Ten years ago, I was in love with a girl named Katrina. I found her lovely in every way, except for her seemingly advanced sexuality. That bothered me. She was a year younger than me and had already sexed up at least one fella two years older than me, maybe more. She had also touched my best friend's wiener. Most girls I knew in high school had. I was terrified of her because of all this. I've always been more comfortable with the idea of never touching a girl than allowing the possibility of me disappointing one. Not particularly rational, granted, but it's the way I thought and it's really not so far from the way I still think. If you can call that thinking at all.

Katrina was really perfect beyond that, though. I thought she was just beautiful and she was far more artistic and intelligent than me. Her handwriting was delicate and sexy. I remember it well. I regret throwing out all of the letters she wrote me in those days, but I'm also glad I'm not reading them now. Everything she did was so cool. And for reasons unbeknownst to me, she seemed to take everything I said so seriously. She always looked at me like I had something to offer her, which was the exact opposite of how I felt. I have no clue why she put up with my awkwardness around her, but she always did, very sweetly. It was almost as if she were taking care of me some of the time. Weird. Kate is one of the only fond memories I have of high school. We were never together because I never asked her out. I remember the night she was expecting me to ask her out. I'm not sure how it worked out, really, but I knew I was supposed to call her and either ask her on a date or to a dance or both. We talked on the phone all the time. I wanted to do it. I gave myself a serious pep talk that night and picked up the phone. I called and hung up after one ring. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. She was too much woman for me. I loved her too much. I didn't want to let her down. The salt in my wounds was when she immediately called back and hung up after one ring just as I did. She had been waiting for me to call.

Tonight I was at the Whole Foods/Ikea/Macy's/Home Depot of the town I currently reside in, Wal-Mart, in the soda isle debating whether or not to get Dr. Pepper of 7-Up when my peripheral vision caught glimpse of a pretty girl. I took a peek around the corner and, much to my amazement, it was Katrina! I was terrified all over again. She was with some real trashy looking skater kid who had the most pathetic moustache I've ever seen. I decided to leave the Dr. Pepper and not even bother picking up any Lean Cuisines; it was time to leave. Once I reached the front of the store, though, I had second thoughts. I was certain I could get a better look at her without her seeing me. So I slowly made my way all the way to the back of the grocery section where I assumed she was. I had grabbed a cart at this point (some Romaine and tomatoes as well) to protect me from the potential awkwardness. Even worse than awkwardness, what if she didn't even recognize me? Maybe she wouldn't remember me at all?

In the roomy comfort of the dairy isle I was able to come around an island of Hostess snacks and catch her profile while I quickly strolled pass, non-suspicious-like. It was a sixteen-year-old girl. Not Kate. I haven't seen Kate since she was sixteen. I wouldn't even know what she would looks like these days. Seeing her now would just be wholly depressing, anyway. I want to see her when she was sixteen. I want to not hang up this time. I want a lot of stupid shit I don't deserve. Ten years later is a long time to be seeing female mirages. I worry about ten years from now.

Kid Nation: Reason To Live

"Kid Nation" has changed my life. I was crying like a baby during tonight's premiere. When Jimmy raised his hand saying he wanted to go home I cried and when all the other kids were begging him to stay and he said, "I'm too young for this!" I cried harder. He's totally right, but I still didn't want him to go. He's adorable! Oh, little kids. Sophia is great, even though she whored it up by dancing in the streets to make money to afford a bicycle. Michael is amazing. He gives these random speeches out of nowhere that are so articulate and pragmatic that I'm totally jealous of him. You should read his interview on the CBS page! The kid is way smarter than me. That's embarrassing, but so be it. It's interesting how pretty much everyone of the kids thinks that global warming is the biggest problem in the world today. Anyway, Mike is annoying but I respect him and think he's got a lot of heart and Greg is a bully but he's also got a good heart. So it seems so far. He's going to start campaigning for the gold star next week, though, and that worries me. Bullies bully and there's really no room for that. It was so sweet when Greg asked Jimmy if he wanted to be his wingman and Jimmy was all, "No." Oh, "Kid Nation", you are a reason to live. I needed one of you.

I haven't had much to blog about lately, not that I ever do. I suppose I just haven't felt compelled. I've been doing other things, although nothing important. I can't imagine what I could ever do that was important, really.

I'll tell you about the biggest issue in my life right now. Well, actually, there are two. The first issue is that Amazon.com needs to refund me some money. It should be happening any day now; in fact, it should have happened already; but it could still take upwards of October-ish before it happens. It's not that big of a deal but it's the only money I've alloted myself to keep my Netflix subscription alive. I can pay for it still, but I don't want to because it's annoying and I'm trying to set budget-like rules for myself because that is something I've never managed to pull off successfully. The thing is, I don't even need Netflix right now. Turner Classic Movies has been showing excellent movies I've never seen before and I can't even keep up with them, let alone Netflix. I'm hooked on the Netflix now, though. I need it. I can't stop rating movies. I'm trying to use it as a way to vaguely guess how many movies I've seen. I think I've rated 400+ movies so far and I know I've skipped hundreds I've seen. I know I can break 1000. That's only a matter of time. I wonder about 2000, though. Is it possible that I've seen 2000 movies? Surely not, right? That's a ton of movies. I tend to doubt I can even hit up 1500. I want to try, though. So that's that problem which isn't really a problem at all, it's just dumb because I'm annoyed I'm going to have to spend 20 dollars I didn't intend to speed. Whatever.

My other problem is that I'm always trolling Half.com for cheap books. That's a problem in and of itself, but I ordered a book a week and a half ago or so, I think. And then, two days later, I ordered another book. Both books have the same method of shipping. I got the book I ordered second on Saturday. I also got an email notice that is what shipping. I haven't received the book I ordered first, nor have I received an email indicating it's been shipped. It's still within the guaranteed time, but that's kind of weird. I don't know why I give a crap since I have at least three books I intend to read before it, but this is an example of how uneventful my life is. I'm sure Larry David could make that story semi-funny, but it's not happening for me.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is one of the best movies ever. If you haven't seen it, see it.

I reckon that's all I've got. Good day.

Weekend Plans

I'm going to get drunk alone again. Um... I'll probably shave with my new Gillette Fusion Power PHANTOM at some point because that's kind of fun. I will watch at least three movies, but more than likely five or six. I'm thinking I should masturbate at some point because it's been a while. I will water Abraham Lincoln. I will be bored. I will consider going to Barnes and Noble to buy these notebooks I'm convinced I need, but I probably won't because it's dumb to drive that far for notebooks. If there's anymore Hydrocondone around I will probably take some of that because I can't think of anything else to do. I might... fuck... that's all I can think of. Oh, I might get a Route 44 root beer at some point. Running. I'll run. God, running sucks. I hope I never get used to it.

I'm slowly figuring out how and when I'm going to move. I decided last weekend that it's time to move things into high gear. That involves sacrificing some of my pre-move goals, but fuck all that shit, I've got to leave. It's looking like I might take off right after Christmas, but I'm not entirely sure I can last that long. It needs to be at the end of a month, though, which sucks. It's time to go.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was awesome tonight. Hooray for a decent TV show being back on the air.

My Plans For the Evening

I am not going to Springfield this evening to see Scott Miller, someone I've been dying to see again for the past seven years. A transportation issue arose, mixed with a lot of spite and pride. So, instead, in about an hour and a half I am going to attempt to run a mile. I think I've got just about enough anger in me to pull it off, but maybe not. I'll give it a shot, though. After, I'll have a good post jog stretch and take a shower. Then I will ride my bike with it's nearly flat tires to the nearest gas station and air them up. Then I will go inside and my liquor. I will then proceed to ride my bike back to my parent's house and get shitfaced in their guest room while they sleep below, just like I should have been doing in high school. I will more than likely listen to Scott Miller and Elliott Smith albums and longingly look at the Greyhound website. I need to research local storage facilities, too. It will be a fucking party. You're invited.

"It Looked Tastier Than Bleach"

Here's a long list of celebrities who have attempted suicide.

Long List of Celebrities Who Have Attempted Suicide

I did not know that about Ken Griffey, Jr. Cobain should probably be on there since he tried to kill himself in Rome and lived.

Look At That!

Holy crap. I've just been ethered by cuteness.



Provided by Cute Overload.

Ooh la la!

Aw fuck, I'm bored. I keep wanting to blog but the things I write are dumber than usual. So I write, then I delete. This has happened several times recently.

Things, things... This weekend I'm going to see Scott Miller probably. That will be good and bad. Good because the last time I saw Scott Miller was completely amazing. One of the best shows I've ever seen ever. Top five, for certain. Bad because it's in Springfield and the venue claims to be "The Best Texas Roadhouse in Missouri" which is stupid and they have lots of hats and shirts made up. I dunno about this place. I'd wear a shirt if it were free, though. Shirts is shirts, but this place seems super lame and I have low expectations of Springfieldians, nay, Missourians, nay, Everybodyians in public places. Good because I just found out the original opener is no longer on the schedule! Their Myspace page was all Lynard Skynard covers. Bad because that might have been kind of funny. Good because Bekah might go with me. Bad because she might hate me these days. Also bad because Scott Miller's last two albums haven't been so hot. If he plays "Loving That Girl," "Goodnight Loser," "Dear Sarah," "Lie I Believe", "Can You Hear Me Tonight," "Cold, Cruel World," "Good Morning Midnight" or if he covers The Statler Brothers it will probably be worth the trip.

It will be a "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" weekend, too. I wanted to buy the DVDs but I've got some serious DVD priorities coming up so I Netflixed it instead. So, that will be fun. I'll be alone when I'm not in Springfield. That's good. I got some new books to read. So. Yeah.

Hilariously, in the next few days I will officially begin "researching" a subject I intend to write about in, uh... Well, I will be creating a piece of fiction, I suppose, that has a lot to do with the topic I will be "researching". Pretty fucking dumb, eh? I don't feel like elaborating because it's kind of stupid. I'm anxious to give it a shot, though. I've got nothing else to do.

Have you Mario Van Peoples been reading the news lately? Fuck me. The Minneapolis Tea Room, Unaccounted for warheads, that Fred Thompson dickhead, the new Bush book, PETA blaming global warming on carnivores such as myself and, most importantly, Kate is being banned from contacting Owen! I dunno. She's so cute. I would so attempt suicide over her, especially if I saw her making out with that fucking ridiculous lame ass that Crystal's so in love with, Nick Lachey video star, Dax Shepard! Oh, fuck that guy with a drill bit forever. Here he is pulling an Andy Roddick!



What a sweetheart.

I don't want to talk about the weigh loss issue. It went really well for a long time, then it stopped for a long time, then I started making some headway and was feeling pretty good about it, and this past weekend it went all to hell. Oh, and guess what? I've been jogging! If you can call it that. And guess what again? It's fucking TERRIBLE! I only run a half mile because I really didn't think I could do it without stopping. I've managed, though, surprisingly. It's not good, though. It took me 5 minutes and 6 seconds to run .6 miles. That is terrible. And there's no way I could have finished a mile without stopping. I don't think. If even I could have it would have taken 12 minutes. I want to be able to run a mile in at least under 8 minutes. That's not even good, but I guess that's my goal. Fuck. I only run every other night, too, so it will probably take me a while. God I hate fucking running! Why would I do this! Fuck.

I use Tresemme now. Tresemme, Tresemme, (see subject)!

Mind Change

Entry deleted. Whoops!

Something Annoying

The documentary on Henri Langois I've been waiting Netflix to send me since... Wednesday, I think? It is on Turner Classic Movies tonight at 10:45. Annoying.